marriage jokes

(Husband) Honey, according to my focus group men should be in control of the TV remote.

(Wife) Who’s in your focus group?

(Husband) Well, actually right now it’s a focus group of one, but I’m working on membership.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

My eleven month old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “Young lady, what are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”

My wife didn't find it as amusing as I did.

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."