marriage jokes

So this guy has the courage -- but not always the skills -- to tackle any home-repair project. For example, his garage was littered with the pieces of a lawn mower he once tried to fix.

One day his wife found him in the living room, attacking the vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate!" he exclaimed.

His wife replied, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"

Husband: Tell me what you'd like for your birthday.

Wife: Frankly, I'd like a divorce.

Husband: Yikes! I wasn't planning on spending that much!

During a 50th anniversary wedding celebration, the father of the bride was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.

"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.

"... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"

A wife announced to her husband that since today was their 25th wedding anniversary she had been dreaming about pearls, a very strong hint indeed.

Her husband replied, "Wait until tonight dear."

That evening, after a delicious dinner, he gave her the wedding anniversary gift. A book entitled, "How to Interpret Dreams."

That's when the fight started.