After a round of golf two guys, one a newlywed, were at the 19th hole talking about the recent marriage.
First golfer: "You say you are your wife's third husband?"
Newlywed: "No, I am her fourth husband."
First golfer: "Heavens man, you are not a husband, you are a habit."
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.
I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
"You see where they're smoothing that cement?" he replied. "I just threw my wife's credit cards in there.
There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"