An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and you know men won't ask for directions."
Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?"
"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, third to a preacher and I'm now married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"