A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale. "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale," she said.
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife...
Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet!
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never checked, she's five feet something...
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, she can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure. It may have been a suit or maybe shorts.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Inspector: Tell me what kind of car she was driving?
Husband: A black 2015 Corvette Z06, with supercharged 6.2 liter V8 engine generating 625 horse power teamed with an eight-speed track certified HD automatic transmission with paddle shifters and a removable carbon fiber roof pan!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."