marriage jokes

Husband: “Call 911 quick, I think I’m having a heart attack!“

The wife picked up his cell phone to call. She said, “Give me your password!”

Husband: "Never mind, I’m feeling much better now."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"

A friend of mine recently announced that he was going to marry a widow.

A member of the group indicated that he would not like being the second husband of a widow.

My friend replied, "I would rather be the second husband of a widow rather than the first."

During the vows at the wedding the minister asks the bride to be, "Do you take this man to be your wedded husband for better or worse?"

The bride answers, "Just as he is Father. If he gets any better, I know the Lord will take him, and if he gets any worse, I'll tend to him myself."