Shop assistant: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on?
Psychic: I'm a medium.
I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone...
I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.
A guy gets shipwrecked and washes up on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red, too.
"Oh no!" he says. "I've been marooned!"
Joe: "I know the capital of North Carolina."
Sam: "Really?"
Joe: "No, Raleigh."