school jokes

The following was the answering machine message for an elementary school:

"Hello! You have reached your child's elementary school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2.

To complain about what we do - Press 3.

To cuss out staff members - Press 4.

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.

To complain about school lunches - Press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up, and have a nice day!"

8. "Thank goodness for these evaluations. They keep me focused."

7. "I can't BELIEVE I get paid for this!"

6. "Here class... just put all your gym shoes in this box next to my desk."

5. "I bet all the people in our administration really miss teaching."

4. "Gosh, the bathroom smells so fresh and clean!"

3. "It must be true... the school news said so."

2. "I think the discipline around here is just a LITTLE too strict!"

1. "It's Friday already!!!"

Back when I went to college, the female dormitory was out-of-bounds for all male students, as was the male dormitory to the female students.It was explained to us during orientation that anybody caught breaking this rule would be fined $20 the first time.

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $60. Being caught a third time incurred a hefty fine of $180. Then we were asked, “Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired. "Er... How much for a season pass?"

My brother spent all of the “fun money” our parents had allotted halfway through his first semester at college.

He sent this text to our dad: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.

Our dad replied with: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.