Best Jokes

Once upon a time, two good ole boys, Curtis & Leroy, saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.

How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

Hold its nose until it turns into a blue elephant and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Michael and Timothy had just left the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through O'Leary's farm when they chanced upon O'Leary's prized stallion. Promptly, Timothy raised it's tail, took a quick swipe then applied it to his lips.

Michael, dumbfounded, asked: "Is horse manure good for chapped lips?"

Timothy replied: "I don't know, but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

Shamus O'Connor had just closed down Patty Murphy's Pub and was ambulating his way slowly to the underground subway.

Suddenly he was confronted by a huge sign which read: "WARNING! Dogs must be carried on the escalator - Absolutely NO EXCEPTIONS!"

Shamus bemoaned: "Bejabbers, and, pray tell, just where is a bloke to be findin' a dog at this unholy hour?"