Best Jokes

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

"So what does 'nine' mean in German?"

"It means 'No'."

A man had trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept saying chickens were noble creatures, and they had the right to go where they wanted. The man had no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds. He tried everything.

Two weeks later, a visiting friend noticed the flower beds were doing great! They were blooming and beautiful. So the friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a par 3 which measures 235 yards. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and smashes the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the hole. A fan in the crowd came up to him and said, "Mr. Palmer, how do you make the ball back up like that with a 3 iron?"

Arnold replied, "Do you have a 3 iron?"

The fan said, "Yes sir, I do."

"How far do you hit it?"

"About 160 yards," came the answer.

Arnold calmly said, "What the heck do you want it to back up for?"

Why do trees have trunks?

So they'll always be ready to leave!