Best Jokes

2 votes
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Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here anymore."

2 votes

CATEGORY Misc Jokes
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |
2 votes

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!!

2 votes

CATEGORY Holiday Jokes
posted by "wadejagz" |
2 votes
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What ten-letter word starts with G-A-S?

Automobile!

2 votes

posted by "catlover" |
2 votes
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How hot is it?

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

2 votes

posted by "HENNE" |