Best Jokes

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa, caught off-guard, looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why not?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Well Johnny, because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a "massive internal fart."

2. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. "Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

3. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

5. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

6. And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs. Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this one!" she exclaimed.