Best Jokes

A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.

"Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?"

The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, "I think it's 49."

Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"

Max was worried. Sam, his loyal deli customer every day for thirty years, doesn't show up. Max loves Sam. Every day at the deli he gives him the best cuts, charges him the least, treats him like family.

So on the second day, his absence is again concerning. When he doesn't show up on the third day, Max is almost beside himself. The fourth day brings more agony with Sam's disappearance. On the fifth day, Friday, pacing back forth, not knowing what to do, he glances across the street at his competitor's deli. Through the window, he sees Sam at the deli counter right across the street.

Max tears off his apron, storms across the thoroughfare, and confronts Sam. "What are you doing? For thirty years you've been my customer. I've given you the best cuts for your meals, I've charged you next to nothing, I've treated you like my closest family! How could you show so little loyalty after all this time?"

"Relax," says Sam, "don’t worry. On Monday I had a root canal. The dentist said I should eat on the other side for a few days.”

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BARE: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.