My friend couldn’t afford to pay his high water bill...
So I sent him a “Get 'Well' Soon” card.
About a year after her husband died, the widow Smith herself died. When she arrived at the pearly gates she ask if she could see her former husband.
"What's his name? "
"Joe Smith."
"You'll have to give us better identification than that. Maybe his last words? We classify each arrival that way."
"Well, just before he died he said to me, 'Katie, if you ever waste any of my hard earned dollars, I'll turn over in my grave.'"
"Oh, sure we know him. We call him Whirling Joe up here."
A boy's grandma doesn't like eating her medicine. So the boy goes to the doctor and asked what he can do. The doctor tells him a trick. Put the medicine in the middle of some sweets!
So the boy buys some sweets and puts medicine in them. When he gets home he give them to Grandma to eat. After eating her sweets the Grandson told his Grandma, “I am very happy to see that you have eaten all the sweets.”
Grandma replied, “Yes I ate all my sweets but I didn’t like the seeds inside them so I removed them before eating my sweets.”
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!"... everyone just cheered.