Best Jokes

My Granddaughter bought me one of those fancy do everything cell phones for my birthday. She said she'd come over on the weekend and show me how to use it.

The bad thing is I spilled some water on it and feeling horrible I called her up and told her what happened. She told me take out the battery, take out that card thingy dingy and put the phone in rice and leave it sealed in Tupperware over night.

I told her I'd call her back the minute I did all of that. When I called her back she asked what took to long. I told her that I do things the old fashioned way, I don't use that minute rice stuff and it took me twenty five minutes to cook the rice. She asked if I had submerged it in the rice yet and I told her that I had.

She paused for a moment and said, the rice trick doesn't always work. I'm sure it's going to work fine, I call her tomorrow after I get all of that sticky rice off of it tell her the good news.

Yo Momma is so dumb...

She was hiding from burglars behind glass doors!

I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to “be cool”.

As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, “Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?”

"You in the back of the room, what was the date of the signing of the Magna Carter?"

"I dunno."

"You don't? Well let's try this. Who was Bonny Prience Charley?"

"I dunno."

"Well, tell me what the Tennis Court Oath was?"

"I dunno."

"I assigned this stuff last Friday. What were you doing this last weekend?"

"I was out drinking beer and fishing with friends."

"You were? What audacity to stand there and tell me a thing like that? How do you ever expect to pass this course?"

"I don't. I just came in to fix the radiator."