Picked up a hitchhiker the other night and he asked me, "How did you know I was not a serial killer?"
I replied, "The chances of two serial killers in the same car are astronomical."
A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season. They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.
He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human like gorilla. After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stakes. He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls.
Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"
With this a lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"
Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow!
Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.
I got called pretty today...
The full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.