"I hate to have to tell you this," said Dr. Mike Wilson in a sad compassionate voice, "but you have unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease. We will have to quarantine you and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"That's terrible!" said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. "I don't know if I could handle being in quarantine... and the cheese and bologna diet... What's with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I've never of such a diet before?!"
"It's not exactly a diet," responded Doctor Wilson, "it's just the only food that will fit under the door."
Why is it easy to beat zombies at poker?
They usually draw dead!
Teacher: "Little Johnny can you tell the class what the word Pejorative means?"
Little Johnny: "Pejorative, an adjective, having a disparaging, derogatory, or belittling effect or force."
Teacher: "I'm impressed, you must have been studying."
Little Johnny: " Not really, I was channel surfing and happened to be on C-Span when the remotes battery died."
A doctor was trying to check an epidemic in a village. Visiting a family, he asked, "Are you taking precautions to prevent spread of contagion?"
"Yes, sir, doctor," replied the head of the family. "We've even bought a sanitary cup and we all drink from it."