Best Jokes

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of an extended visit of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long weeks she lived with them, always nagging, always demanding. Finally she decided to leave.

On the way back from driving her to the airport, the husband confessed to his wife, "Honey, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all this time."

His wife looked at him aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

There was a man who computed his taxes and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the over-payment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside.

Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get double.

Man: Hmmm. Okay. First I'd like $100 million.

Genie: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got $200 million.

Man: I understand. For my second wish, I'd like a new Porsche. In red, please.

Genie: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer in the world just got two of the same.

Man: That's okay with me.

Genie: And for your third wish?

Man: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .