What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please!"
The other day I held the door open for a clown.
It was a nice jester.
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it!
Do you know why King Arthur hired a jeweler for sentry duty?
Because he wanted a knight watchman!