Best Jokes

Morty to his vet: "Doc, I have a problem with my dog."

Dr. Saul: "Tell me more."

Morty: "He's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk."

Dr. Saul: "That's impossible!"

Morty: "Watch this. Seth, Fetch!"

Seth: "So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this crappy food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a fast pish and right back home."

Dr. Saul: "This is remarkable! So what's the problem?"

Morty: "He has a hearing problem. I said 'Fetch', NOT 'Kvetch'."

A boy and his mother stood in the dentist's office, looking at a display case. "If I had to have false teeth, mother, I'd take that pair there," said the small boy, pointing.

"Hush, Willie," interrupted the mother quickly, "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.

After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.

"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Astounded, the thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."