Best Jokes

A newlywed couple wanted to invited their friends over for a steak & mushroom dinner. The wife had all the ingredients except the mushrooms. The husband said, "There are plenty of mushrooms growing in the backyard."

"Are you sure?" said the wife. "They could be poisonous?"

The husband replied, "I will give one to the dog and if he is okay, then we can use them."

Sure enough, the dog was given a mushroom and seemed okay, so they used the backyard mushrooms and served steak & mushrooms to their guests. During the dinner, the phone rang and it was their next door neighbor. The wife answered the phone. "I am sorry to bother you dear but your dog is dead."

Frantic, the wife dropped the phone and the couple called 911 and had all their guests sent to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. When she got home, the wife called her neighbor to thank her. "No problem dear, but that car that hit him never stopped!"

Did you hear about the angry fly that sat on the toilet seat all day long?

He finally got peed off.

What do you call a looney, lifelong small town resident?

A loco local.

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes," he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."