Ernie: The national sport in Spain is bull fighting and in England it’s cricket.
Bernie: I’d rather play in England.
Ernie: Why do you say that?
Bernie: It’s easier to fight crickets.
Two men were discussing the merits of a book. Finally one of them - himself an author - said to the other, "You can't appreciate it because you never wrote a book yourself."
"No, I have not" the other man retorted, "but then again, I never laid an egg and yet I'm still a better judge of an omelet than any hen."
A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."
Bill went to the chiropractor thinking that the chiropractor would not be able to treat his chronic back pain.
After a few minutes, his back felt like new. The doctor asked, "How do you feel about chiropractors now,"
Bill replied, "I stand corrected!"