Best Jokes

Amos had been drinking with his friend Joe for most of the evening when he finally said, "I need to go home and face the music, my wife will be up and waiting for me."

Joe said, "Listen, I have a cure for the angry wife waiting for me after a late night. No more sneaking up the stairs with my shoes off. I drive into the yard and screech the brakes. Then I slam the door and stomp up the stairs to the bedroom where I enter and say your stud puppy is home."

Amos replies, "What does she do then?"

"Why nothing. She just curls up on her side of the bed and pretends to be asleep."

"Doctor Feldman! You better get into room 313 fast, the patient is acting bizarre!"

"I'm on my way!"

Entering the room the doctor sees the patient furiously tying and twisting pieces of rope together, drawn tight into a knobby mass. He seemed totally out of control.

"What are you doing? Stop that!" the doctor yells.

The patient completely ignores the doc and continues to loop and interlace the sections of rope in an intense, violent manner.

"Again, I beg you. Stop what you're doing. You're behaving in a mentally deranged way!"

To which the patient replies, "Say what you will doc, but I'M KNOT CRAZY!"

A lawyer just purchased a new Mercedes sports car convertible and came to a stop sign. Arriving at the same time was a Hippie on a motor scooter, who leaned over and admired the beautiful car.

Annoyed, the lawyer sped away as the light changed only to see the motor scooter not only catch him, but speed past him. Now Angry, he stepped on the gas and raced to 100 mph, passing the motor scooter. Once again the scooter passed him only this time it sailed off the road into a ditch.

Ashamed, the lawyer caught up with the scooter and asked the Hippie if he was okay and did he need help. The Hippie replied, "I'm cool man, but could you unhitch my suspenders from your mirror?"

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."