Best Jokes

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.

When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.

"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a poem, they give him $100."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a song, they give him $200."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Gladys, a resident at the local assisted living apartment complex, invited her new neighbor to her place for coffee and dessert. Ethel, slightly younger than Gladys, sat down at the table and was anxious to spend time with her new friend.

"Here's your cup, and there's a teapot full of fresh tea," said Gladys.

"What an exquisitely clean cup and saucer," exclaimed Ethel. "How do you get them so spotless?"

"I do the dishes with Joy," exclaimed Gladys. "Would you like a piece of cake now?"

"And put it on this shiny clean plate? I imagine you clean your plates with Joy also?

"All the time," replied Gladys. "It really saves me a lot of money."

After some more conversation, and taking the last bite of her cake, Ethel glances over and sees a furry feline approaching her. "What an adorable cat," she exclaims while taking her last sip of tea.

"That's my little princess! Come here, Joy," as Gladys starts putting the cups and plates on the floor. "We're all finished with our lunch!"