Best Jokes

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Morty to his vet: "Doc, I have a problem with my dog."

Dr. Saul: "Tell me more."

Morty: "He's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk."

Dr. Saul: "That's impossible!"

Morty: "Watch this. Seth, Fetch!"

Seth: "So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this crappy food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a fast pish and right back home."

Dr. Saul: "This is remarkable! So what's the problem?"

Morty: "He has a hearing problem. I said 'Fetch', NOT 'Kvetch'."

A boy and his mother stood in the dentist's office, looking at a display case. "If I had to have false teeth, mother, I'd take that pair there," said the small boy, pointing.

"Hush, Willie," interrupted the mother quickly, "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.

After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.

"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."