Best Jokes

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What do ninjas and farts have in common?

They're silent and deadly.

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CATEGORY Misc Jokes
posted by "zieglarnatta" |
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If Ivana Trump divorced Donald and then married musician Neil Diamond then she would be Ivana Diamond.

If she then divorced Neil Diamond and then she married pro golfer Jack Nicklaus then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus.

If she then divorced Jack Nicklaus and then she married former Mets pitcher Ron Darling then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.

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What Is the definition of Fable?

A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

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CATEGORY Misc Jokes
posted by "Jareth the Goblin King" |
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​A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”

"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."

"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”

“Selma who?” asks the angel.

“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."

“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”

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posted by "genius" |