Best Jokes

A married guy goes for his annual physical and to his shock & dismay the doctor tells him he has only 24 hours to live.

He goes home in shock and tells his wife, who makes him his favorite meal. They then go into the bedroom and make love. Around 10 o'clock he says lets do it again and she agrees. Around midnight as his wife is drifting off to sleep he nudges her and says how about one more time.

She rolls over and says, "Hey, some of us have to get up for work in the morning."

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.

When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"

Man: "Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home."

Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Man: "It’s made of concrete."

Lawyer: "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Man: "No, we have a carport."

Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

Man: "All my relations are still in Poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Man: "We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

Lawyer: "Does your wife beat you up?"

Man: "No, I always wake up before her."

Lawyer: "Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?"

Man: "She's going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"

Man: "I have proof."

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"

Man: "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says ... 'Polish remover.' "