Best Jokes

A customer to the bartender, as he tries to convince him that he is not drunk... "I feel more like I do now than I did when I came in here!"

I do not believe in diets. The closest I've been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.

A elderly lady, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, that's okay, I’ll just look the other way,” she said.

The bartender then showed the elderly lady to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give her a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

"What is the difference between a mechanical and civil engineer?" asked the incoming college freshman.

The professor replied, "Mechanical engineers design weapons and civil engineers design targets."