Best Jokes

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Do you know why a roach clip is called a roach clip?

Because "pot holder" was already taken.

An elderly couple go to church every Sunday. During the weekly sermon, the old man would occasionally nod off as the preacher talked. Whenever the old man nodded off, his wife would poke him with her hat pin.

As the preacher was saying, "Who created the Heavens and the Earth?", the old man nodded off. His wife poked him and he shouted, "God Almighty!" The preacher answered, "Amen, brother."

Ten minutes later, as the preacher was saying, "Who died on the cross for our sins?", the old man nodded off again. His wife poked him and he shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The preacher answered, "Amen, brother."

Ten more minutes pass, as the preacher was saying, "What did Eve say to Adam after their first child was born?", the old man opened his eyes, looked at his wife as she was about to poke him again and said, "You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I'm gonna break it off!"