Best Jokes

If fortune tellers know the future, how come it's so difficult to find a happy medium?

If you are dating someone who only visits and annoys you at night...

... then you must be dating a Mosquito.

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to elbow him."

I got up early this morning, still dark out, and went into the bathroom. Thinking I was grabbing the bottle of Listerine, I started gargling with Kaopectate.

My wife is thrilled. "Great!" she said. "Maybe you'll no longer have diarrhea of the mouth!"