Best Jokes

Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, now I believe in yesterday.

Why is stuff delivered by a car called a shipment, and stuff delivered by a ship called a cargo?

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old bugger had a newspaper route!”

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."