Best Jokes

An elderly couple go to church every Sunday. During the weekly sermon, the old man would occasionally nod off as the preacher talked. Whenever the old man nodded off, his wife would poke him with her hat pin.

As the preacher was saying, "Who created the Heavens and the Earth?", the old man nodded off. His wife poked him and he shouted, "God Almighty!" The preacher answered, "Amen, brother."

Ten minutes later, as the preacher was saying, "Who died on the cross for our sins?", the old man nodded off again. His wife poked him and he shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The preacher answered, "Amen, brother."

Ten more minutes pass, as the preacher was saying, "What did Eve say to Adam after their first child was born?", the old man opened his eyes, looked at his wife as she was about to poke him again and said, "You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I'm gonna break it off!"

* Put the past behind you, unless you're a time traveler.

* Remember that only James Bond lives twice. You only live once.

* Time makes fools of us all. However, you can't make a fool of time.

* You sometimes get what you want. You can't always get what you need.

An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.

He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham-rock.

Sergeant: "Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us."

Private: "Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!"