Best Jokes

We are interrupting our regularly scheduled jokes for today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

When, and if, Mick Jagger retires, he has expressed interest in building structures assembled with concrete and mortar...

That would make him a Rolling Stonemason.

Two mice scavenging in an old studio warehouse find some old celluloid film.

Mouse 1: This looks really old! I wonder what film it is?

Mouse 2: The can is right here... Oh, it's "Gone with the Wind"!

Mouse 1: Well, maybe it's still good - let me take a bite.

Mouse 2: Well? How is it?

Mouse 1: Nothing much. The book was better.

You're walking down the street and your toe falls off!

Who do you call?

You call a tow truck!