Best Jokes

Man: "Oh Guru! Why is it that when I open my eyes in bed at night, I see an aura light around my wife's head? What does it all mean spiritually?"

Guru: "She's checking your cellphone."

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say, 'I hate my mother', a psychiatrist will ask, "Why do you say that?"

Whereas a psychologist will say, "Thank you for sharing that with us."

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."