Best Jokes

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes.

Man: "I have two final wishes."

Friend: "What are they?"

Man: "First, I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land."

Friend: "And second?"

Man: "Second, I don't want to be cremated."

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah...no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get in!"

Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park, and I want yours."

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma...

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC!