Best Jokes

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated and the waitress came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

A guy gets shipwrecked and washes up on a beach.

The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red, too.

"Oh no!" he says. "I've been marooned!"

After Sunday mass, I wished aloud a blessed afternoon for our priest. "Enjoy your time with the angels!"

"Oh, no," he said. "I'm a Dodgers fan!"