Best Jokes

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Regards,
Your Owner

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler. At every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey, but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

A little boy got a cold at school one day. He came home sneezing and sniffling, and his mother watched him with a knowing eye. Later that day, he was playing with his older sister when his mother called him into the kitchen. "Son, I know you're not feeling very good," she began. "Tomorrow for breakfast, don't eat your normal sugary cereal. I'll allow you to have some LIFE cereal after you eat a bowl of oatmeal, though. See, it's right here on the shelf," she pointed.

"Now, afterwards, I want you to have your older sister make you some broth from that ground liver we have in the fridge." Seeing the face he made, she added, "and then you can have some of the leftover sweet tea."

After the little boy came out of the kitchen, his older sister curiously asked, "What did she want?"

He promptly replied, "She just gave me the rights to LIFE, liver tea, and proper tea!"