Latest Jokes

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"William thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."

Holding her hand in the air, Beatrice said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

Definitions...

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read.

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their mistakes.

ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions.

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he/she can die rich.

CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and then shakes your confidence later.

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you by his bills.

An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play. All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”