Latest Jokes

Definitions...

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read.

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their mistakes.

ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions.

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he/she can die rich.

CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and then shakes your confidence later.

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you by his bills.

An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play. All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”

A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.

So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"?

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she"?

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"?

"Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

Nuts are so expensive these days...

Nearly cost you an almond a leg.