Teacher: Johnny, where were you born?
Little Johnny: Los Angeles
Teacher: Which part?
Little Johnny: What do you mean which part? The whole body was born in Los Angeles.
I love the game, "Survivor". They start out with 20 contestants who are systematically knocked out of the game until there are only three left. The winner is the one who lies and backstabs the most people. You know, like politics.
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
A man and woman are on a blind date. After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. He was relieved when his cell phone rang.
After answering, acting shocked and then hanging up the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim look and said, "I have bad news. My my house is on fire."
"Wonderful!" his date said. "If yours hadn't burned, mine would have had to."