Latest Jokes

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One night a priest who is driving erratically gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him if he's been drinking. The priest says he's been drinking water all night. The cop sees a bottle of wine in the passenger seat and tells the priest what he sees.

The priest then nonchalantly says to the cop, "Jesus has done it again!"

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Nurse: Your blood pressure is amazingly high. Is your job very stressful?

Patient: Well, I work at a petting zoo.

Nurse: That seems easy enough.

Patient: I determine which animals are too vicious to be petted.

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posted by "merk" |
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A straight eyed and cross eyed guy bump into each other, and the cross eyed guy said to the straight eyed guy.

“Why don’t you look where you are going?"

The straight eyed guy responded to the cross eyed guy.

“Why don’t you go where you are looking?"

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posted by "Niel" |
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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. : "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the putt, didn't you?"

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posted by "HENNE" |