"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. What she actually said was, “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Washington Commanders."
The couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. An interviewer asked, "Could you please share the secret to a long marriage?"
The husband answered, "Never criticize your wife for her short-comings, or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that it is because of her shortcomings and weaknesses that she could not find a better husband than you."
Two guys were sitting at the bar. One of them said, “A lady has invited me to brunch tomorrow but I know nothing of proper table etiquette."
“What do you want to know?" asked the other one.
“Well, um… for example what goes better with waffles, red or white wine?”
"Is it too late to cancel?"