Morty to his vet: "Doc, I have a problem with my dog."
Dr. Saul: "Tell me more."
Morty: "He's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk."
Dr. Saul: "That's impossible!"
Morty: "Watch this. Seth, Fetch!"
Seth: "So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this crappy food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a fast pish and right back home."
Dr. Saul: "This is remarkable! So what's the problem?"
Morty: "He has a hearing problem. I said 'Fetch', NOT 'Kvetch'."
Two seagulls were flying toward a very crowded beach. They couldn’t believe their eyes when they spotted a flying cow in front of them.
The one seagull turned to the other one and said, "I have a feeling someone’s going to have a very bad day."
A gecko was talking a stroll in the park and came upon a duck. He said, "Hi duck, what do you do for a living?"
The duck replied, "I sell gap insurance so if you’re out of work you still have money coming in." The duck then asked how the gecko made a living.
The gecko said, "I also sell insurance but I sell every kind of insurance you can imagine! I sell house, car, life…"
Before he could finish the duck ate the gecko! The duck said, "Well, at least he had good coverage!"