family jokes

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to buzz off!!!!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

A couple went to the psychiatrist with their twins, as they seemed to be completely opposite. The doctor noted that one was a Pessimist and one was an optimist.

He put the pessimist in a room filled with new toys. He then, put the optimist in a room full of horse poop.

After a period of time, they looked into the pessimist's room and he was stepping on and breaking all the toys, saying, "I don't like these....none of them!"

They went to the optimist's room that was full of manure, about chest deep and found the little boy yelling, "Whee! Whee!", and throwing handfuls of manure up in the air.

They asked him why he was doing that and he replied, "With all this horse poop in here, there's bound to be a pony somewhere!"

A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."