misc jokes

For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

Two men are on opposite sides of the river.

The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?”

The other man yells, “Dude, you are on the other side of the river!”

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

6. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

7. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

8. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

9. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

10. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

My wife is a body builder...

She's pregnant.