Comedian: "I highly object to you having me go on stage after that monkey act."
Stage manager: "Honestly, I can understand, the audience might have thought it was an encore."
After 35, women don’t have one night stands.
We have auditions.
I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me, "Sorry sir, you've had too many."
Confused, I replied, "What, drinks?"
"No, sir, birthdays!"
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds...
But instead I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.