misc jokes

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in two weeks."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Not yet," the first replied, "I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first."

I wish working out was like taxes...

You suck it up, do it once...

And then you’re good for a year!

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot."

"Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything."

"Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."