Best Jokes

The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.

The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.

I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it. "I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."

"Did you put the battery in the phone?"

"Not the extra one."

"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."

(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Shrink: "In your own words, please describe how you see yourself?

Me: "Reverse Tardis."

Shrink: "And why is that?"

Me: "Bigger on the outside."

Shrink: "And how does your wife see you?"

Me: "Same way, different perspective."

Shrink: "And how's that?"

Me (tears in eyes): "Smaller on the inside."