Best Jokes

An aspiring actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career. “How’s it going?” the agent asks. “It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider two films with me.” “Two?” he agent replies. “Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

A woman rushes into a hardware store and says, “Can I have a mouse trap, please? And will you be quick, I’ve got a bus to catch!”

“Sorry, ma’am,” said the store clerk, “but we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

How many cups of coffee will this hold?” the man asked as he placed a large thermos on the lunchroom counter.

“Six cups,” advised the waitress.

“Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream."