Best Jokes

During training exercises, the Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud, with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is!"

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

6. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

7. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

8. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

9. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

10. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."