I finally quit drinking for good...
Now I'm just gonna drink for evil.
Two guys were sitting at the bar. One of them said, “A lady has invited me to brunch tomorrow but I know nothing of proper table etiquette."
“What do you want to know?" asked the other one.
“Well, um… for example what goes better with waffles, red or white wine?”
"Is it too late to cancel?"
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter 'F'.
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"